You might be wondering where I have been. Or, more likely, the thought never crossed your mind. We tend to inflate our own importance in the minds of others to an insane degree. That is both a bad habit, narcissistic, and at the root of depression. In other words it makes us bad AND sad.
But, I digress.
Here I am
If you WERE wondering where I have been, the answer is… right here. On the couch. Too lazy or, to put it more kindly, too depressed to make a blog entry. This whole blogging thing seems impossible. I mean, what’s the point?
What’s the point?
What’s the point: that is a good question in general. Like, what is the point of life? What is the point of making the bed when you’re just going to mess it up again? What is the point of doing the dishes when they are just going to get dirty again? What is the point of having a shower when, wait a day, and you’ll need another one. We are fighting entropy or chaos and, people, we are losing that fight. We will lose. So, what is the point?
And I don’t want to bring you down by pointing out these realities to you. If you have rose-colored glasses on, I want you to keep them on and look at the sunny side of life, and laugh – ho, ho, ho – and be merry and happy because I happen to know that the alternative really sucks. And therefore, I don’t know what the point of this blog is.
Maybe money is the point…
Is it to make me money? No. I doubt I could make money off of this blog. For several reasons:
- It is not very marketable. I mean, okay, here I am world and I feel like crap all the time. There’s a bestselling concept for you. Novel, unique, awesome, right? WRONG.
- If I did try to market it and was like, here, click on my nifty affiliate link for facial cream while you are here because even though I am depressed, my skin is nice and clear because I am a Noxema girl, you would probably be annoyed, say “Pfft,” and switch to another, slightly less annoying blog.
- I can’t make money. This has been scientifically proven throughout my life. Every time I start to make money, something external happens that prevents the development of any sort of wealth. For example, I got a computing degree and then Y2K happened and the dot com bubble burst. For another example, I started an on-line company once and then the 2008 recession happened. I have magical skills for not making money.
- I feel like I should have a fourth reason. But I can’t think of one. Think of one for me and put it in the comments and then I will fill it in later.
Random photo of kittens because I like kittens…
Anyhow, despite it being pointless, I am back because I felt guilty for neglecting my blog. I thought maybe the one person out there reading my blog might feel like I didn’t care about them and might be curious or concerned that something bad happened to me.
Something good… finally!
Actually, something good happened. I applied for disability funding last April. Here was the process:
- April 20 – Mailed off lengthy application form with copies of all my documents and many personal details, etc.
- May 15 – Called to enquire if they received my application. They said they have no way of knowing such a thing.
- June 2 – Received a letter saying that they wanted my 2015 tax return, proof of employment, and proof of RRSP’s (Canadian pension plan).
- June 2 – I phoned them to tell them that the government of Canada had not yet processed my 2015 tax return although I submitted it on time, that, as I said on my form, I have no employment because I can’t work, and that I have no RRSP’s. The lady asked if I could write all that I had just said to her in a letter and mail it to them. I said no. She seemed taken aback. I explained that on the original forms, where it said “employment” I wrote “unemployed” and where it said RRSP’s I wrote “none” and so I did not see that an additional letter was necessary to tell them what I had already put on the form and told them over the telephone. She thought about this for a couple of minutes and then agreed (reluctantly).
- June 20-something – I received a medical form to take to my doctor for him to fill out. I did so. My doctor filled out the form and sent it back to them pronto.
- Time went by.
- September 12 – I received a rejection letter. Why? Mainly because my doctor had said my condition was “indefinite” as opposed to “permanent”.
- I gave up.
- I gathered my strength to try again, but was outside of the 30-day appeal timeframe.
- I called to ask if I could still appeal. They said yes, but I would have to apply for an appeal and THAT application would take 4 to 8 months to approve. The lady on the phone said I should send in more medical information. I asked her what the point was. After a lengthy discussion, I came to realize that the medical information would go to a “review panel” which is NOT an “appeal”.
- My doctor submitted more medical information.
- No response.
- I phoned them. Apparently the medical information had gone to the wrong department.
- I received a phone call. Surprise! I got my disability funding. In January. Only NINE months after applying for it.
But, anyhow, I am very happy to have the funding. It really takes the pressure off. I never thought I would be on disability because I have a lot of skills. However, between my physical difficulties because of my size and my emotional difficulties, working is a nightmare. I do the odd job, but I have no guaranteed income and I live off the kindness of others, which is a bad way to live.
Disability income is not much, but it will help.
Weight loss surgery update…
Also, I got in to see the weight loss surgery people. My appointment was about two weeks ago. I thought that, after being on the waiting list for 16 months, the process would be that I would see the doctor and maybe have surgery soon. However, I was very mistaken on that point. Here is the process:
- See an RN for 2 hours.
- See a dietition (a different day). See a psychologist (a different day). See the doctor in April. Keep seeing these guys for 6 to 12 months.
- Take 12 workshops of at least 2.5 hours each.
- Make diet and lifestyle changes.
- Pretend not to be depressed (because if you are depressed, my psychiatrist says they kick you out of the program, so he actually, literally told me to pretend not to be depressed).
- After 6 to 12 months, if you are very, very good and don’t miss or reschedule more than 3 appointments, you get put on a waiting list for surgery. The waiting list is 12 – 18 months long.
This would distress me except that I am somewhat ambivalent about having surgery. On the one hand, my right knee is bad and something in my life really needs to change dramatically if my life is going to improve. However, on the other hand, I am not sure I want them to mess with my stomach because, “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I have a cold because of an ingrown toenail… seriously…
I have a seriously bad cold right now. I think it is because I have an ingrown toenail. That sounds like it makes no sense, but bear with me. Because of the ingrown toenail, the doctor gave me three rounds of antibiotics practically back to back. For anyone who does not know, antibiotics kill only bacteria and they kill all (well, not all, but that’s another story) of the bacteria in your body. The thing is that your body has a LOT of bacteria in it and some of it is “good” in the sense that it’s just hanging out doing it’s thing and not bugging anyone.
Your body is a forest… (it’s a metaphor AND an analogy)
It’s sort of like… imagine that your body is a forest… and bacteria are trees. When you have a bacterial infection, it means there is one type of tree that is overgrowing in a certain location and causing trouble. Antibiotics come along and clear cut all the trees. So, now your body/forest is more like a grassy knoll. And maybe mushrooms or little wildflowers take over the place. Now you have wildflowers everywhere. It sounds pretty, but it’s not. Viruses are, like, “Oh, goody, this is my big chance,” and they infect you and there are no antibiotics for viruses, so you are stuck with a cold or flu and it’s crappy and you just have to rest, drink fluids, maybe have some vitamin C and zinc and wait it out.
Meanwhile, I have that upcoming appointment with the dietition in the hospital and I think I’ll have to reschedule it and that will be one out of my three reschedules… eep.
Did you follow the whole forest analogy above? If you did, I am so proud of you? I come up with wild analogies that no one can follow. Anyhow, I am sick because of my ingrown toenail. I have been eating probiotic yogurt to help rebuild the “forest” of bacteria inside of me. And *warning: about to be gross* I cut a large chunk of the toenail off, so the toe is now FINALLY healing. Yay.
What can go wrong?
It is amazing to me how much can go wrong. Like, how did I even get an ingrown toenail? I almost never leave the house. I rarely wear shoes or even socks. Or even walk around. So, WHY would the toenail decide to grow incorrectly? I think it is spite. But, the question remains… why does my toe hate me so much?
I keep reading (on stupid Facebook) that I should cultivate an attitude of gratitude. So, I guess I should be thankful that it is only my toe that hates me and not ALL of my body. And also, I should be thankful that only the one toe appears to hate me.
I have written so much and yet I have said so little and I question why anyone would ever want to read any of it. I wouldn’t. Or would I? Maybe I would. I have nothing else to do. Oh, speaking of… I have been doing a lot of meditative doodling lately. I use these Tombow markers I bought on Amazon (note: no affiliate link) which I LOVE!!! My doodles were much prettier when I did them with pencil crayons, but I love the markers. I want to use the markers. … MARKERS! Goddammit. I am two years old today.
I read a book on Kindle unlimited about sketching and I tried to do some sketching and I came to the same conclusion I always come to when I draw, which is that I cannot draw. However, I will keep trying even though it is probably a waste of time and paper and graphite. The nice thing about Kindle unlimited (no affiliate link) is that I can read a lot of crappy books for free. I mean, no offense to the writers, but sometimes people who can’t really spell or, you know, write, decide to write a book and put it on Kindle for $2.99. And if you have Kindle unlimited, you can read it for free and then give it back. There is magic in that. Every once in a while, some internet genius such as Seth Godin writes a good book on there.
Blah blah blah I have nothing else to say. But I did write over 1900 words, so that’s pretty verbose, really. I am interested in your comments, but only if they are nice because my ego is frail. Love you.