My first confession is that this probably counts as my second confession since I wrote a lot about myself in my “About Me” page. And most of it was true, too. Seriously. I just changed up a few details to protect the innocent. The innocent being me. Ha!
Saxenda was a disaster
You may recall from my “About Me” page that I weigh 465 pounds. That part was true. (Only the names are made up and I shifted the ages by a year or two…) Anyhow, so I started taking a really expensive injectable medication called Saxenda that causes weight loss.
Did I lose weight? Yes I did. I lost 13 pounds. However, I started to feel suicidal. Like, super-suicidal all the time. And so I read the package insert and suicidality is a potential side effect of the medication. Did I feel suicidal because of Saxenda or because I am me and I have been depressed for 25 years? I don’t know.
However, I felt better when I stopped the Saxenda. Maybe the Saxenda is like the goat in the apocryphal tale of the Rabbi and the goat that my father often has told me.
The Rabbi and the goat
In case you have never heard it, here it is: Once upon a time, a man lived in a very small, shabby house in the woods with his six daughters and his wife. Life in their home was very cramped. There was always a lot of arguing and yelling. They were very unhappy. The man went to his Rabbi to ask what he should do.
The Rabbi said, “get a goat and bring it into your home and treat it like a member of the family.” The man thought this was strange advice, but he respected the Rabbi, so he did as he was told. Soon enough, things were worse than ever. The goat rampaged through the house, ate everything in sight including chewing on furniture and tearing holes in clothing and the curtains. It made a big mess of everything in all the ways that goats do.
After a few weeks of this, the man could take it no longer. He returned to the Rabbi and said, “Rabbi, I have done as you asked and things are now worse than ever. My home is in a total shambles. That goat is ruining our lives!” The Rabbi nodded and said, “It is time to get rid of the goat.”
So the man happily went home and sold the goat that day. Without the goat in the house, things seemed so much better, and the family lived very happily.
So, to make a short story long… maybe the Saxenda was my goat. Maybe going on it helped me to realize how much better I would feel off of it.
What do I do?
Not that I feel fantastic, mind you. It’s a daily struggle. I will likely repeat myself on this site many times because my memory is truly awful. So, there’s that. And I can’t work. I can’t really leave the house. I don’t know if it is more because of the depression or my weight. Take your pick. I mean, I technically CAN leave the house. I just hate to do so.
When I leave the house, I am filled with a feeling of sick dread. It’s bad. Let’s talk about something else. Oh, look: a butterfly…
La, la, la… what? I can’t hear you.
Just kidding. I would never ignore you.
I started this site because I really want to be honest about my depression with someone other than a counsellor (and, here’s some irony for you: I am becoming a counsellor). I wanted this because I think these thoughts are, in a way, wasted on a counsellor. Have you seen the movie, “As Good as it Gets” with Jack Nicholson? If not, see it. Now. Seriously. It is an amazing movie. You’ll totally thank me later. Go. See the movie. This site will be here when you get back.
Anyhow, the point of the movie (and this is not a spoiler) is that sometimes life is shitty and (yes, I am going to swear on this site, so please get over it) where was I? Oh, yes, sometimes life is shitty and there is only so much “recovery” we can hope for. I mean, there is a part of me that wants to believe I can wake up and feel totally amazing tomorrow, but I think that part of living with depression is:
- Realizing that depression is an illness and, like friendship, it may be here for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some people get depressed BECAUSE of something. Fair enough. Other people get depressed at a certain time of year or they have one depressive episode in their life and DONE. Cool. And then there are people like me. Have you heard Simon and Garfunkel’s song, “The Sound of Silence”? There is a line in there, “Hello, darkness my old friend, I see you’ve come for me again…” and that is how I feel when my depression returns.
- If depression is a lifelong companion, learning tips and tricks to cope with depression and live the best life possible under the circumstances.
- Celebrating small victories. Like, yay, I had a shower today. I mean, I didn’t. But, if I had I would say that.
Well, that seems like a lot to confess to you for one day. Please feel free to comment. Please do not leave any suicidal messages because that’s what crisis lines are for. Google “crisis lines”. They have them all over the world. They even have crisis chat. Seriously. I can’t talk you out of suicide. I can barely talk ME out of suicide. But I do.
And you know why? It’s not because of all the amazing reasons to live although on a good day, I can appreciate some of those. It is because, do NOT kid yourself: suicide will cause grievous harm to your loved ones. So, unless you HATE your loved ones (and then, they are not loved ones) then suicide is not the way to go. And, when you are suicidal, that can be a pretty annoying thing because you feel really bad and you want the pain to end, but there are these people you don’t want to hurt by murdering yourself. So, anyhow, have a super long nap instead. You will likely feel at least slightly better when you get up. Or have a bath.
Disclaimer: I am not an expert and I take no responsibility for anything ever at any time whatsoever. Have a nice day. And don’t commit suicide. Seriously. I mean, worst case scenario, maybe go to China and teach English or something. Do something radical to change your life. Explore all the hidden options. Break out of your role/routine. Defy expectations. That’s how I live my life and look at me: I am… oh, oops. I am a bad example. Haha. But, seriously. Be a brave little toaster (did you see THAT movie?)