Apples and milk… aka I am hungry goddammit

So, I already told you that I weigh upwards of 450 pounds.  To be specific, this morning, the talking scale in our bathroom informed me that I weigh 463.4 pounds.  I feel like I want the scale to be a little more discreet sometimes rather than loudly blurting out my weight.  Of course, there is usually only my boyfriend around, but seriously, scale.  Can’t we keep this between us?  I could probably change the volume setting or the fact that it speaks at all, but I don’t.  Because.  Just because.


Just because…

Don’t you miss the days of being a kid when “because” was an acceptable answer to the question “why”?  A grown up would ask you why you were doing something and you would shrug and say, “Just because,” and they assumed since you were a kid, they probably weren’t going to get much more sense out of you than that, so that was the end of it.

Deep freeze…

Today, it is icy cold in my city.  We are going into what we locally call a “deep freeze,” which is when the temperature reaches a high of MINUS 20 degrees Celcius.  If you want that in Fahrenheit, you will have to look it up.  Nah.  I felt guilty for typing that, so I looked it up for you.  It is -4 degrees Fahrenheit.  That doesn’t sound as bad.  Anyhow, it is very cold.  I rarely leave the house anyhow (a habit I am trying to break), but I need to see the optometrist and soon, so I will have to brave the elements for that trip.


My weight… okay, let’s talk about it…

My weight has reached a point where I feel I am beyond the size acceptance movement.  I mean, it is really important to accept oneself as one is.  And I know that there are men who are attracted to women of every size.  For example, my boyfriend is attracted to me.  However, I am getting arthritic and it is getting to be very hard to move around.  Plus, fewer and fewer chairs can hold my weight.  So my weight is compounding my depression and my depression is compounding my weight.

However, there are several problems with losing weight when you are over 450 pounds (oh, and btw, if you link to some scammy weight loss product that you claim is not scammy in the comments, I will end you — haha… I love that threat… ever since I have first heard it… what does it really mean?)  So… where was I?  Obviously, I have tried many diets and weight loss solutions… blah blah blah.


But the problems that exist when you are over 450 pounds:

  1. Exercise can be extremely difficult.  Walking even 100m is very hard.
  2. True at any size, but easier to “accidentally” do at this weight, losing weight too fast is extremely hard on your organs.
  3. Worries over excess skin when you lose weight.  Because no one wants to be a bag of skin.

I have considered weight loss surgery.  And I am still considering it.  It makes me nervous.  Maybe I will discuss that some time.  Anyhow, today I am talking about something else:


How do you lose weight when you are over 450 pounds?

So, I decided to do two things to help myself lose weight at this size:

  1. Exercise by turning on music and sitting on this big blue ball (one of those exercise balls — they are rated to 600 pounds, believe it or not!).  When the music plays, I want to dance.  I just sort of bounce and move my legs on the ball and it probably looks insane, but it is fun and I do it when no one is around.  I feel no stress on my joints, but a massive burn in my “glutes,” thigh muscles, and calves.  I already find it easier to walk after only doing this a few times.  And it is fun.  I know I said that already, but it really is.  You just have to get over the fact that you probably look like a damned fool.
  2. Reducing the amount I eat is very challenging for me.  I have been on many diets.  I really have reached a point where I am at my wit’s end.  So I came up with a strategy.  I don’t know if it is a good one or if it will work.  I am not recommending it to anyone, so try it at your own risk, but what I am going to do is that on Mondays and Fridays, I will only drink skim milk and eat apples.  Skim milk has protein, which you need every few hours or your body starts breaking down muscle.  And if I just have skim milk, I know I will get very hungry — hence the apples.  But apples also help regulate blood sugar and contain fiber.


So… apples and milk and bouncing on a ball.  That is my plan.  If it goes well, I will expand my skim milk and apple days to Monday, Wednesday, Friday — almost every other day.  My reasoning is that the body will not go into “starvation” mode if it is getting all the nutrients in milk and apples, but that my stomach will gradually shrink and that, because I eat so much to maintain the size that I am, the caloric deficit from just skim milk and apples 2 or 3 days per week will probably cause me to lose at least 1 or 2 pounds per week.  That will be a slow weight loss, but that is much healthier in the long run.


Enough about weight!

Okay.  I am officially sick of talking about weight.  I felt randomly depressed this weekend.  It sneaks up on me.  I feel okay for a while and then, suddenly, I am not.  And I always wonder why.  I think that the wondering why and judging myself for not feeling okay is part of why I don’t feel okay.  I think I need to accept that sometimes I feel crappy and be mindful about it: just stay in the crappy moment and accept it for what it is.  Ah, another crappy moment.  Look at that.

I am secretly glad it is Monday because my boyfriend went to work.  Normally I prefer for him to be home, so I prefer the weekends, but right now, I just want to be alone.  That is a sign that I am not feeling well.  I know that many people feel this way.  It is so stigmatized.  I have always kept my depression a secret from employers.  People really do not understand the difference between being a bit sad and being depressed.

Sometimes when I am depressed, I don’t even feel sad.  Sometimes, I just feel numb or empty.  Right now, I feel like I want to distract myself with music or a TV show or a book.  And that is what I shall do.  Because if I don’t, these thoughts may consume me.  Maybe that is wrongthinking of me.  Maybe I need to be mindful and stay with the thoughts.  However, I feel like I don’t have strength for that today.  I feel like I don’t want to let that darkness inside.  Maybe if I did, it would subside.  Maybe I will try that — to gently and compassionately sit with these feelings and see what happens.  Or maybe I will catch up on “Sleepy Hollow.”  That’s a really good show.


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