This is my site in which I hope to remain anonymous. And by remaining anonymous, I hope to be able to find the courage to bare my soul. My writing may at times be funny and at times be sad and sometimes you might feel offended and, well, there’s nothing I can do about that. Honesty is sometimes offensive.Honesty is sometimes offensive. #quote Click To Tweet
My Secret Identity
The only time I will not be totally honest is about details that could possibly identify me — I might change them up so that my identity remains a secret. Or I might just put glasses on. Or take my glasses off. This strategy worked for Superman and the original Wonder Woman AND Supergirl. It was the perfect disguise, apparently. So, I’m sure it would work for me also.
Glasses Half On: Random Facts about Me
Here are some random facts about me, many of which are true, in no apparent order:
- my name is not really Megan Anne Slater, but, for the sake of argument, let’s pretend it is.
- I am 43 and my daughter is 26 (we will call her Marie). Yes. I see your fingers moving. Grab a calculator. I already know how young I was.
- I have an undergraduate degree in Computer Science and in Psychology. I am working on my masters in Psychology.
- I am taking some time off because I had a nervous breakdown.
- I have suffered from major depression for about 25 years. I have tried counselling (many times), reading books, meditation, medication, vitamins, good nutrition, “sleep hygiene”, and so much more! My depression is extremely treatment-resistant. It is frustrating.
- Marijuana seems to help. I had never even tried it before I was 35 years old.
- I have a boyfriend with whom I live. We will call him Doug. He is a good guy and I love him, but my depression is hard on him and that makes me sad.
- I love cats, but our landlord, who HAS a cat says we cannot have a cat. Since our landlord is also Doug’s buddy, arguing the point is futile.
- Still, I think a cat would improve my mental health.
Weight is a big issue… pardon the pun
- I weigh 465 pounds. This is either the cause of my depression or a consequence of it. I don’t know which.
- I am on a weight loss medication called Saxenda. I will update you on my progress with this medication.
- My knees are currently bad and walking is hard.
- Everything is hard.
- I am extremely depressed.
My Safety aka don’t worry
- As you are reading this blog, if you ever feel concerned about my wellbeing, please don’t worry. I have an excellent support network that I know how to access even when I feel suicidal. So you can read even my darkest thoughts safe in the knowledge that I will always keep myself safe.
- The reason I will always keep myself safe is that no matter how bad I feel about myself, I am very empathetic and I know how sad my parents, my sister, my daughter, and my boyfriend would be if I killed myself. It would devastate them. Because I feel like I have no right to harm someone else psychologically in such an extreme way when I have other options, I have remained alive even through psychological agony.
How to stay alive when you are suicidally depressed
- By the way, if you are currently in psychological agony, the key to remaining alive is to remember this: your only job is to remain alive. Nothing else matters because you are fighting for your life. It is irrelevant whether other people understand this or not. You need to tend to yourself. If you need to get help to take care of the children in order to be a responsible parent, do that, but this is a time you need to take to heal.
- The second key to remaining alive is thinking in terms of the next minute, not the next hour, or the next day, month, week, or year.
- The third key… if all else fails… and I say this with some hesitation, but if all else fails for me, I take some tranquilizers I am prescribed. One could alternately take a couple of sleeping pills. The intent here is NOT to overdose, but to take the appropriate number so that you will fall asleep. I have found that when I wake up, groggy, I am rarely as depressed as I was when I fell asleep.
- Those are some tips I picked up along the way. I hope they help you. However, if you are really in crisis, call your local emergency number. You deserve help and help is available. I always remember this line from “Breaking the Patterns of Depression” by Michael Yapko, “Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem”.